Jesus > Easter Bunny

Easter is a religious holiday that attracts millions of Christians world-wide to gather in celebration of the risen Jesus…and the Easter Bunny. Why is that? What does one have to do with the other? The truth is: absolutely nothing. So where is Elmer Fudd when you need him and do we need him at all: are the two compatible? How do these odd traditions develop? Where do Easter eggs come from and how about that pesky bunny who hides them everywhere while children beat each other to a bloody pulp in hopes of winning the family Easter egg hunt? Speaking of Easter, why is it called Easter anyway? We will explore these questions in greater detail and hopefully get to the bottom of the great Easter conundrum.

To find the answers one must pull back the hidden layers of the occult or maybe we should just start with the Scriptures’ Nimrod. Don’t be offended my loyal reader. I didn’t mean you. I’m talking about the Nimrod of the Bible. As the great theologian Anthony Kiedis says, “The sun may rise in the east but at least it settles in a final location.” After Noah crash landed the ark on Mt. Ararat, all of the world’s populations (like the California sun) settled in one location. Think of Nimrod as a Babylonian Lucifer (undoubtedly he had one of those Saddam Hussein moustaches they all wear over there) with a desire to be god on Earth. Nimrod was a power hungry ruler that was deeply infatuated with ruling the world. With all of the world’s citizens in one spot Nimrod was able to accomplish his wicked goal (maniacal laugh). As power hungry as Nimrod was, he found out one truth pretty quickly: you can’t take it with you and like all power hungry frogs, he croaked.
When Nimrod passed away people did what they do best and got really religious. The people deified Nimrod making him the Sun God, or as he is referred to in our Old Testament: Baal. Nimrod left behind a loving wife named Semi-Ramis (a.k.a. Ishtar); but, she wasn’t lonely for long. Death couldn't keep these two lovers apart and the rays of Nimrod’s sun impregnated Semi-Ramis) She bore a half God/half human child by the name of Tammuz (a.k.a Cupid). Tammuz (a.k.a. Cupid) is where we get the lovey dubby feel good Hallmark holiday of the year in Valentine’s Day. The truth is Tammuz was incredibly loving (wink wink) in an incestuous kind of way as he and his mother engaged in heated sexual relations until the the great Sun God in the sky called Tammuz home. Tammuz would pass away in a bizarre hunting accident (insert Dick Cheaney jokes here) where he was gored by a wild boar. To commemorate Tammuz, his people would fast and pray for 40 days. This is where the historical and modern Christian Church get the idea for 40 days of lent. It does not come from Jesus’ 40 days in the dessert as is popularly perceived. After 40 days, the people would feast on that which killed poor Tammuz: wild boar. Today, ham is Easter’s most popular dish.

Heartbroken after losing her two lovers, Semiramis (Ishtar) also eventually passes away; but, not so fast! Her husband Nimrod (now Baal) isn’t quite ready for her. Perhaps he was angry about the incest; but, that is only conjecture at this point. We will never truly know. Like a poultry-fied version of Lucifer, Baal casts Semi-Ramis down to earth in a giant egg that crash lands and explodes in the Euphrates River. The first thing Ishtar (Semi-Ramis) does is change a bird into an egg laying bunny, who we all know and love today as the Ishtar Bunny or the Easter Bunny (Easter is the Anglicization of the word Ishtar).

Now how about those pesky colored Easter eggs that always stain hands and our beautiful Sunday bests alike? The priests of Ishtar (or Semi-ramis' priests) would hold a special sunrise service the 1st Sunday after Equinox. This is where the modern Church gets its annual Easter date as Easter is always celebrated the 1st Sunday after the spring equinox. The priests of Ishtar would gather young virgins and publicly impregate them on an altar, probably while listening to Type O Negative’s October Rust. One year later these virgins would return with three month old babies, whom the priests would then sacrifice as an offering to Nimrod or Baal. They would then take Ishtar eggs and dip them in the sacrificed baby blood in order to color them. Today red is seen as the official Easter egg color. Even the White House displays red Easter eggs.

So now we know the vile history of Easter filled with a healthy dose of paganism, ignorance, and demon worship (like a Sam Raimi flick). The question remains: Is it possible to celebrate Resurrection Sunday in a way that still honors Christ. I think so. This is a gray area and different Christians are going to come up with different answers to this. Is it possible to celebrate Easter and not know any of the above? Absolutely and most people do, so don't be judgmental in this area. It’s also possible to know the above and alter the way we do Easter, calling it Resurrection Sunday and getting rid of all the silly bunny and egg metaphors. We need to grasp tightly to the central and most important reason for the holiday: the Resurrection of the same Jesus who conquered death. This Jesus serves as a physical embodiment of a God who offers hope, a hope for good, a hope for the future, and a hope that all broken things will be reconciled and made new.

To resurrect the great Joshua for a moment, as for me and my family, we are going to Elmer Fudd Ishtar, and the eggs, and the Easter Bunny. Such bizarre celebration takes our eyes off of Jesus and truthfully, as a Christ follower, I am not comfortable at all with my kids coloring eggs after we know their origins. That silliness has nothing to do with Jesus and for those of us that know Jesus, He is so much better than all of that. A genuine celebration and admiration for the Resurrection of Jesus is what we need on Resurrection Sunday, not another Hallmark holiday infused with an unhealthy dose of paganism & American consumerism. We need Jesus. We always need Jesus, nothing more and nothing less.

Jesus is and always will be greater than the Easter Bunny.